please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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