South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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