you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
As shirtless as possible
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
