I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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