theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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