yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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