Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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