Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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