Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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