Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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