I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
