i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
