answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
