I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
