Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it wasn't lemon gatorade
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
