girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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