I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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