i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
