a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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