He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
why is half of my head shaved?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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