we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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