dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
