By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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