there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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