im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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