The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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