Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dick very happy bro
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
