I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
