you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
