sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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