I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
