How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
