New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
