my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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