I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
