she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
