guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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