dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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