just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
