the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
