Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
