Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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