I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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