12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
