I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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