My room smells like vodka and shame
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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