I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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