I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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