so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Congratulations! We have a period
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
