This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think a kid would responsible me up
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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