I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
