New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
