Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
