I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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