fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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