she peed on how many people?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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