I just made out with a guy for $7.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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