We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
