Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
