I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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