why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
