I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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